One can say that female feeling comfortable to the commitment allows other components of her personality to emerge. The man in turn frequently feels locked in. (These characteristics are not always sex linked, a woman can also feel locked in as well, we can discuss this at a later date)

Once familiarity sets in does it make it for friendship & intimacy or wit as a famous line from a Clark Gable movie “ contempt “. As the social sophistications and allowances of the romantic phase early give way to the conflicts as the couple regresses to bouts of developmental fixation points. Who we are and how we come to the fate of a real relationship. This is what the man fears. He will be called upon to gratify the needs and expectations of the woman and criticisms if she is disappointed, while his wish for autonomy and independence is objected to.

 

Some men like to escape. They fantasy a house on top of a mountain with a grand view. Let me give you an illustration. A young man I know had an apartment on the 72 nd floor of a great building. On a clear day he could see the east River and the tri-Borough Bridge and to the west the George Washington Bridge and all of Central Park. He could not see humans since he was too high.

On one winter the park was frozen over and it was a beautiful desolate view like flying over Greenland. Tired and empty he decided to exchange the beautiful but lonely apartment for a beautiful woman, who was blonde and blue eyed and lonely as an ice Goddess. Beautiful to look at and admire, but emotionally cool and removed, emotionally quite unavailable.

 

So idealizations can be sustained from a distance but do not last up-close in a real relationship. So how does this relate to someone as they and we are.

Lets explore this.